All Black Men are Dogs... Says the Woman Searching at the Dog Pound

If you haven't heard a black woman say, "All these brothers out here are dogs," (or some variation) then you have certainly been living under a rock! We've heard the reverse about black women too.

The real question that should be asked is, where have you been searching for all the no good brothers and sistas? We are so quick to blame the other person when we find out the person we were interested in is less than compatible, that we fail to look at ourselves.

Let's look at this simple analogy. You see a person shopping at the local grocery store. After going up and down isle 5 they are getting upset, after a few more minutes of going up and down isle 5 they become furious. They burst out, "This stupid store never has what I need! All I want are some steaks and they don't even have that!" After they make that outburst, you look up and see that isle 5's sign reads "Spices and Baking Needs."

Any rational person would look at the above person and think, "What do you expect when you're searching down the wrong isle?" No rational person would actually think that it is the grocery store's fault, so why is it in relationships, when we date the same type of people over and over, it's the other person's fault?

This is what I want you to do. Sit down and make a list. Make a list of all the people you have dated or liked. Ask yourself, what attracted you to them, what do they have in common, what didn't you like, and what do you want in a partner. Exploring these things will help you uncover why you may be going up and down the wrong dating isle and bring you closer to love.

No Bright Lights...People Are Not Roaches

I have been told that I am a pretty laid back, even tempered person. I like that about myself. However, I do get upset. And some things that make me upset are things that I deem "stupid" for a lack of better words.
At night, the Pierce Elevated becomes home to many people who do not have any other place to turn to. Many business are complaining about this issue, and the city has decided to spend a half million ($500,000) on lights. Yes, on lights! They plan on putting lights under the Pierce Elevated to deter homeless from sleeping there at night. Here is a little news clip, http://www.khou.com/topstories/stories/khou080818_mp_pierce_elevated.e2aecfe.html.
All I'm saying is, doesn't that sound like something people do to make roaches scatter, turn on the lights? Have they decided to treat human beings like roaches?
I fully understand that people sleeping under a bridge can bring down property value and deter customers from visiting a business, but if you have $500,000, a half a million dollars to spend on lights, why not spend it on a shelter?
Let's look at a few things.
First, as someone who served as a Program Manager for a homeless shelter in the Greater Houston Area, there are not enough shelters in Houston to accommodate people who are homeless. There are substantially more homeless shelters for women than there are for men, and most of the time they are full. I just ask you to pick up the phone one day, and call a Houston area shelter and see if they have room available. Most the time they have waiting lists.
Second, and most importantly, what if it was you? Working at the homeless shelter, you see so many people and so many stories. It is so much easier to distance yourself from homeless people and blame it on drugs, or their unwillingness to work. The truth of the matter is, that isn't always the case. Think about what might have happened to you if you didn't have loved ones to go to in a time of need. What would have happened to you? What would happen to you if you lost your job, your car broke down, and you have no family or friends. What would happen to you? How would you want others to treat you?
My point in all of this is, if we have $500,000, a half a million dollars to spend on lights, why don't we have $500,000, a half a million dollars to spend on more shelters or grants to existing shelters to provide more services.
People are not roaches. You can't just turn the lights on and think the problem is solved. All that's going to happen is, they are going to find somewhere else to sleep, and then the city is going to want to spend another $500,000 on lights.

Is Your "Rightness" Getting in Your Way??

We all may be familiar with Dr. Seuss' story about the North and South going Zax, (if not, click here). I started thinking about the story and it made ask, "Can my "rightness" get in my way?" Sometimes the truth, is simply just your truth and what you perceive it to be. So what really is important are the facts. Let's take the Zax's. Their truth was that they always go North or that they always go South. The fact is that they were trying to get somewhere. They were so focused on the fact that they thought they were right, that they let that get in the way of what they really want. All they had to do is take one step to the left or the right. I mean to be real with you, they could have jumped over each other's back or crawl between one's legs and still be going North and South. I am not at all implying that you should compromise yourself or your values, but sometimes compromise is needed to achieve your initial goal. It was funny, the other day I was leaving school, and trying to get out of the parking lot. The way that I was trying to leave people often enter and exit from. Well, there were 2 cars in front of me, and I patiently waited, even though I could not see any cars coming from either direction. After a while of waiting, I decided to use another exit. What I discovered as I was leaving was that one car was trying to leave the parking lot, while the other was trying to enter and neither one was willing to move to let the other in or out. So not only were they preventing each other from going home or getting to class, they were also affecting others as a result of their "rightness." Essentially what I am saying is, don't get so caught up in who was right and who was wrong, and forget what it is that you really want. Don't get stuck in your "rightness" and let the world grow around you.

The Sankofa Bird

A West African Symbol

The Sankofa bird is flying forward while looking backward with an egg in its mouth. The egg symbolizes the future. "We must go back and reclaim our past so we can move forward; so we understand why and how we came to be who we are today." "We should reach back and gather the best of what our past has to teach us, so that we can achieve our full potential as we move forward. Whatever we have lost, forgotten, forgone or been stripped of, can be reclaimed, revived, preserved and perpetuated."

Personal Responsibility

A friend told me that some writers tend to stay in the middle of the road and do not typically point blame towards one side or the other. My friend expressed that in my writings I tend to point blame on other people or people higher up in society. In lecture, my professor stated that people have to take responsibility. After doing some introspection, I realized that is indeed how I have been writing. While I am by no means recanting what I said, I would like to add that people have to take responsibility for their own actions. In my personal life, I try to refrain from pointing blame on others for my actions and decisions. I am grown. I have values, beliefs and ideas, which allow me to make my own decisions regardless of what is going on in my environment. I do believe that circumstances mold and shape people into the person they ultimately become; and that aspects such as family, environment, society, etcetera also influence one’s behavior and personality.

That being said, I am, you are, we are still responsible for our own actions. Yes, I believe that the media portrays false and negative images of the black community and women. On any given channel, one may find a woman dressed in sexually revealing clothing. One may also see people in the black community, typically men, as unproductive, undereducated and mischievous. Yes, I do believe that some images influence individuals to act in a certain manner based upon what they perceive to be reality. All of that being said, it is still not an excuse to act in such a manner. To use something like the media as an excuse for one’s behavior means that they are incapable of possessing logical, rational thoughts and decision making skills.

“Oh, well he was just a victim of his circumstance.” What is that? That states that we do not posses the ability to better ourselves. That means that we are born into a life that we will never be able to get out because we are a victim. A victim is a bad thing to be. A survivor, however, is a powerful tool. Do not be a victim of your circumstances, be a survivor of your circumstances. A survivor continues on in life’s journey, looking back and remembering, but never lingering. Yes, bad things happen in life. I don’t know why things have occurred in mine, but I do know that it has made me stronger and most important, the person that I am today. We cannot blame others if we want to move on, grow and become better in life. We have to take responsibility.

Whose fault is it really???

"Kids nowadays have no sense. They are disrespectful and run around with no clothes on... I remember when I was young... blah, blah, blah." We have all heard or said something similar to this before. Yes, looking at our children and seeing what they are exposed to and their behavior is an issue. It is sad to see youth essentially throw their life away. But who is really to blame, them with their limited knowledge base or us with a more substantial knowledge base? I have yet to meet a teenage cable tv owner. So, it's the adults putting these images into our youths head and then getting confused when they model the behavior. I'm thinking they need to do a little reading about behaviorism and learning theories. Bandura's social learning theory which states that learning occurs through observation and modeling behaviors, attitudes, and emotional reactions of others. One can not solely learn by their self, so outside forces influence individuals. So let's see here. We have rappers, I know easy target, but whatever. They are glorified even thought they condone criminal activity, objectification of women, and material possessions. So honestly, what do we as "intelligent all knowing adults" actually think the children are going to do? They do not posses a substantial knoweldge base to help them make a more enlightened decision.
So what can we do? We have to teach our children right from wrong. We have to teach them to think critically, cuz Lord knows the school system wont, but that's another blog. Help them understand reality versus perceived reality. Talk to them, love them, be there for them. Tell them the truth. The real truth not the medias truth.

What You Mean I Can’t Pay my Mortgage With my Gucci Shoes???!!!

Yes, I am guilty. I won’t deny the fact that I sometimes buy items because I want them and for no other logical reason. Worst part is sometimes, not all of the time, but a lot of the time, whatever I buy, gets little to no use. What is our fascination with things?

I want to take the poor perspective. I would first like to say that I never had to go without eating because my mom didn’t have any money. I can look back and see that times were hard, but also see how we were blessed because there were times when a bill couldn’t get paid or something broke, but God made a way. By saying “the poor perspective” I mean not being able to have what the world deems to be important such as cars, clothes, etc. You know, the whole western society outlook. Buy, buy big, and buy a lot.

Here is what I find sad and disturbing, if we come into money we get caught up in the material aspect, and do not look at the real picture. Okay, we have all heard money doesn’t make you happy, which is true, it should be about family, friends, relationships, which is also true, but when someone is stressing about money, nobody is trying to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. If you don’t have to worry about money, then you will have less stress in your life, which means you can engage in healthier relationships.

Here is the real picture that we miss. These big dogs, Gates, Rockefeller, Trump, etcetera, did not get all their money and power by purchasing things. See the real picture is investing. “Man, my piece cost me 8 g’s.” Well, congratulations?! Honestly, how often are you actually gonna wear that? I know someone who is happy, that man who has your $8,000, and has flipped to make at least $16,000. Do you see were I’m going? Once again, I buy things, I want things, but we have to be careful that we are not sucked into the trap of continually make other people richer while keeping ourselves down.

Okay, let’s say there is rich dad, plastically altered mom, and 3 kids. When the rich parents die, and the kids get married and have children that makes 11 rich people. Those 2 people created and additional 9 rich people.

If I die and I spent all of my money on stuff, my kids are gonna look at the junk and throw it away. I would have left them with nothing to make themselves, the community or the world better. Want to get out the ghetto and make, stop putting your money into another man’s hands. I don’t give a damn if your shirt has a Polo symbol on it our not, and if you mess with folks who do than you need to rethink their purpose. I am not at all saying not have nice things but, be smart and use moderation. Invest, so your money will grow. Look around your place, your room, your car, there is stuff just sitting there not getting used huh? Those pennies add up. Oh, it’s just $5. But how many times do you have in your house that was just a few dollars. I bet if you do the math you would be sick.

We have the power and ability to get out from where society is trying to put us, we just have to first realize we are on a merry go round going no where. On Erykah Badu’s song On&On she said “I was born under water with 3 dollars and 6 dimes,” we have to stop drowning ourselves and stop turning in circles thinking that we are going somewhere and swim our way to the surface.